What is My Experience?

What is My Experience?

In many of my writings I frequently address the value and importance of living authentically which I define as living a fulfilling and meaningful life that positively enhances our relationship with others and the world. Because our lives are made up of an endless series of experiences how we connect and relate to those experiences significantly affect our ability to live authentically.  For this writing, I define experience as personal involvement or exposure to a specific event or subject. 

My personal belief is that living authentically requires us to gain knowledge and ideally mastery of our lives through our life experiences. Note I state ideally mastery, but I believe it possible to live authentically without mastery provided we gain knowledge and wisdom from our experiences.  Knowledge is derived first from awareness and the realization of our experiences and then the commitment to use these experiences to enhance our ability to live a meaningful and fulfilled life.  Further, our ability to gain knowledge is significantly impeded if we lack proper awareness or improperly process/perceive our experiences.

Given the aforementioned definition of experience let’s explore three (3) primary and vastly different ways in which I believe people process their experiences and its potential impact on ones ability to live authentically.

First, there are those who are exposed to events/subjects and have little or no cognizance/awareness of the event afterwards.  They have little recollection of anything other than perhaps being there.  They fail to gain any discernible knowledge from the experience of the event/subject and as a result have little/nothing that can be applied to living a more fulfilling life.

Secondly, there are those that have a significantly unbalanced or distorted view of their experience as a result of an unrealistic (overly positive or negative) perspective of the event.  This distorted view creates a false knowledge in the mind of the individual that if not recognized and properly addressed leads to the further application of this distorted view.  Living a life based upon a distorted (unauthentic) view of our experiences carries significant negative consequences and is the greatest impediment to living a meaningful and fulfilling life. George Bernard Shaw is credited with the quote: “ Beware false knowledge, it is more dangerous than ignorance”. This is especially true of false knowledge derived from a distorted perception of ones experience (s).

Lastly, there are those who consider each and every experience as an opportunity to gain knowledge and mastery of events and subjects that can potentially and significantly enhance their ability to live an authentic lifestyle.  The only way to consistently acquire knowledge and ideally achieve mastery is to step fully into each experience rather than try to process it outside ourselves!  Rather than be oblivious to events or subjects or to distort the experience, ask yourself, “What is really happening to me?”  “Am I allowing myself to be overly influenced by external stimuli?” If you have had negative experiences, you can ask yourself: “Have I previously had such experiences, and if so, is there a discernible pattern?” If you have been overly positive to negative experiences, you can ask yourself: “ What or who am I not facing in this experience?” Finally, ask yourself, because of my extreme optimism to a negative experience, “am I dismissing a valuable key point that can lead me to a greater insight about the reality of the experience and myself?"

Do you truly wish to live a meaningful and fulfilling life?  If so, I challenge you ask yourself, what is my experience?

image ©Rojo, S.

To See or Not to See

                                                               

To See or Not to See

As we each embark on our journey to becoming more authentic, I believe one essential practice is to consistently engage in is what I refer to as seeing people for who they are. Why, you may ask, is this an important aspect to authenticity?  Simply put, not seeing others for who they really are prevents us from being truly authentic ourselves because, believe it or not, our relationship with that person is based upon something inauthentic and thus has the potential to compromise authenticity in our own lives.  Seeing others for who they really can also help us see ourselves more clearly by allowing us to recognize similar traits in ourselves.

Note, I refer to the “practice” of seeing people for who they are.  I say this because I feel we are constantly tested within each of our relationships and must learn to discern whom people truly are.  Seeing people for who they are sounds rather simplistic, when in fact it is much more challenging than what most people realize. Because a person who truly desires authenticity invests considerable time and effort in relationships they sometimes assume others are likewise investing a comparable amount of effort, which frequently is not the case.  Many of us see people through the lenses of our conditioning and as a result we have a tendency to see others as we would like them to be as opposed to who they truly are. This is especially true with friends and loved ones.  For example, how often have you totally ignored traits exhibited by someone close and then suddenly realized how oblivious you had been?  We all have and if we do not consistently practice trying to see others for who they really are we no doubt will continue to do so.  We must also be ever vigilant for those who are quite adept at concealing who they really are. Not all great actors are on the big or small screen. I am sure many of you, like myself, have been duped by someone pretending to be something completely different than what they truly were.

How then do we become proficient in seeing people for who they really are? I must inform you, there is no shortcut.  It takes consistent practice.  You cannot become authentic without being honest.  To be clear being honest does not mean being selfless.  It’s acceptable to sometimes be selfish but not dishonest.  Authenticity is not about perfection it’s about understanding and being real. For example, ask yourself, am I investing a lot of time with someone at the expense of other relationships but not getting my needs met? Or perhaps, am I truly seeing this person for who they really are or am I deluding myself?  Truly recognizing one for who they really are requires discernment not judgment.  The more we become rooted in our own authenticity the more easily it becomes to discern who others truly are. 

Finding the If

We live in a time where we are faced with a seemingly insurmountable number of challenges and it is quite easy for one to become overly pessimistic about one’s ability to accomplish things that are vitally important to us and that would contribute exponentially to a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Several years ago while reading, my husband happened upon a phrase that really resonated with him.  He shared it with me and it resonated with me as well and it has helped me measurably in my ability to accomplish more of the things that are really important to me, “think yes I could if, instead of no I can’t because”. I have since come to refer to this as “finding the if”.

I am not just speaking of wishful or positive thinking or about how to improve productivity but rather accepting what I have come to observe as a “natural law” of sorts, that understanding what you believe about yourself is often what happens to you.  I have heard it said many times and I have come to accept that “attitude is highly underrated”.  Over time, I have come to believe that I cannot do everything but I can do virtually anything and given this belief, I have discovered a way to improve my success in accomplishing the most important things in my life, by trying to find the if.

Years ago as I began to experiment with my newfound practice of finding the if, I reflected on how often in the past, and even now occasionally, I witness myself and others putting considerably more effort into justifying why we did not or could not accomplish something (no I can’t/could not because…) than we did trying to determine how we might accomplish it (finding the if).  How about you?  Have you ever noticed how much more inclined we are to readily provide a plethora of reasons, excuses, etc. for not doing something than we are to devote time to thinking of what actions/activities might improve our probability of success?

To better illustrate the principle of finding the “if”, I offer the follow examples:

"I really need to exercise but I cannot consistently motivate myself to do it alone, but if I could find a partner we could both motivate each other", "I am behind in my monthly bills and cannot work full time because we have a new child, but if I could work part time from home, I could possibly make enough money to catch up on our bills", "I really desire to live a more fulfilling and authentic life and I don’t know how but If I could find a good life coach, I could learn".  I’m sure many of you can think of a multitude of other examples where one could benefit tremendously from finding the “if”.

If you really desire to live a more fulfilling an authentic life, I want to encourage and inspire you to really consider what actions/activities are truly important to you that you have not been able to consistently accomplish and consider not just accepting the way things are, but to challenge them and consider the unlimited possibilities that exist in almost every circumstance if you think “yes, I could if.”

Begin with Why vs. How-To

Begin with Why vs. How-To 

My experience in working with a wide variety of individuals and businesses has been that far too many people today have become obsessed with their search for “how-to's”, especially as it applies to self-help. I think the title of the late Brian Klemmer’s former bestselling book “If How-To's Were Enough, We’d All Be Skinny, Rich, and Happy”, although humorous, provides a thought provoking way to consider the appropriate application of how-tos. 

Please don’t misunderstand me, I believe we all search for techniques, tips and tricks, or skills for “how-to” make lots of everyday tasks easier and more efficient and this is frequently a worthwhile endeavor. However, there are also many people who are discontent with their lives and are embarked on a never-ending quest to find that one how-to that will cure all of their problems, real or perceived, and make ALL right with the world. Our world is literally saturated with a plethora of self-help information on how to do virtually everything one can think of. This has influenced many people to read one how-to book after another and or they attend as many seminars on “how- to's” as possible in an attempt to achieve the promise of a more fulfilling life. 

Many people, in their “quest to be better”, appear to focus on finding or fixing something that is considered missing or broken often without knowing what it is and or why. Worse yet, they often want quick fixes and are frequently unwilling to put effort into truly understanding the root cause of their discontent. I have personally learned that applying how-to without the consistent application of the correct personal commitment that comes from a sound knowledge of what you should do and why, will frequently lead to less than desirable outcomes. If "how-to's" were enough, we could simply teach others how to do anything, everyone would be a good at it, and we would all experience eternal bliss.

I believe the most important consideration in determining our path to leading an authentic and fulfilling life is not necessarily what desires we have and goals we set (what we think we want) but what really motivates us towards those goals (what we really want and why) and the commitment to then pursue them. If you challenge my premise then why is it that so many people who pursue how to are still often discontent?

By placing more emphasis on what we want and why and then committing and honoring that commitment, we better equip ourselves to benefit from the appropriate how-to.

Thanks to Eudaimonia’s contributing editor Stan Miller

photo borrowed from Rebecca (Becky/Bex)

“The Word Should”

How often do we say or hear others say, “I should” or perhaps, more frequently, “you should”. I have observed that the use of the word "should" often significantly impedes our well-being and ability to live an authentic and fulfilling life. 

To better illustrate my point, let’s look at the definition and how the word is frequently used or misused.  One of the commonly accepted definitions of should is; 1) to indicate an obligation, duty, or correctness or 2) to indicate probability or expectation. 

Despite its definition, sometimes those using the word “should” are well intentioned and do so to give advice, an opinion, or recommendation (sometimes unsolicited). Unfortunately, most people using the word “should” are oblivious to its true meaning and its potential for misuse and detrimental impact.

Let me give you two separate examples, one using the word “should not” and one using “should” that will help me further demonstrate how use of the word should contributes to living an inauthentic life and inhibits our true well-being and personal fulfillment.

Have you ever witnessed someone or have you yourself shared with another person, “I should not feel that way” or “you should not be sad,” etc. Although, perhaps, well-intentioned, how appropriate is this comment and what is the ultimate impact?  Whether intended or not, in reality, you are expressing, from your perspective, that it is not acceptable for one to feel a certain way and or suggesting one not accept their own reality at that time.  By no means am I suggesting we encourage ourselves or others to obsess about their feelings.  However, by not allowing ourselves to acknowledge what we are experiencing and process it in a naturally healthy manner, we force ourselves into believing that somehow magically we can make things better. Ultimately, how beneficial is it to suggest someone ignore reality or repress how they truly feel? 

How many times have you said or heard someone else say, “I should…” (fill in the blank)…”lose weight”, “finish my degree”, “stop smoking”, etc. What is immediately apparent when someone says “I should” is that they have not made a commitment to do something, at best, they have acknowledged merely what they “should do”. By stating, “I should” vs. “I will” we give ourselves a ready-made escape from commitment. I personally believe one of the vital elements of living a fulfilling life is through making and honoring appropriate commitments.   

How often have we heard the phrase “those are only words”?  As with all things, words can be used for good or bad.  Hopefully, I have given you some good food for thought regarding the use of the word “should”.  Words can be of immeasurable importance in helping us achieve an authentic and fulfilling life.