Decision Remorse

Decision Remorse

Correct Decision-Making vs. Guaranteed Outcomes

Have you ever struggled to make a decision, made it and then subsequently questioned whether or not it was indeed the correct decision? How often have you put off making a decision for fear that it may not be the so-called right decision?  How many of us wish we could always make the proverbial “right decision”?  I think I can safely state that few people ever intentionally desire to make a “wrong”, “bad”, etc. decision.  In fact, we often go to great extremes to ensure we do not make a so-called wrong decision.

I know of no way to guarantee a particular outcome in every instance.  This fact causes some people much remorse.   What I have learned, over a long period of time is that decision-making is a process and that consistent application of the correct process is what makes for good decisions, as solely opposed to outcomes.

To simplify our discussion, let’s look at three (3) important factors related to decisions; 1) How do some people define a good versus bad decision? 2) What are some of the most common factors influencing poor decision-making? 3) What is a proven effective process one can use to ensure good decision-making?

Unfortunately, many people often judge a correct decision by the desired outcome.  That is, if they get the desired outcome, they assume their decision must have been correct and vice versa. 

Further, when we don’t get what we consider to be the desired outcome we oftentimes second guess our decision making and many times we engage in what I refer to as the “If” drill.  “If I had done this instead of that, then I most certainly would have achieved the desired result”.  Truth be known, there is no guarantee that another decision would have produced the desired result.  For example, if I had taken a different route I would have gotten to my destination sooner.  That may or may not be accurate.  In reality a different route may have taken even longer! Substitute virtually any decision in place of route, and you find that another decision, more times than not, would not have guaranteed a desired outcome. 

Further proof that good decisions cannot be judged solely by outcome is the fact that it is not uncommon for one to get the desired outcome and still be ultimately disappointed or experience remorse.  How many of us have negotiated a deal or made large purchases and then subsequently wondered if we might have done better?  Is it even possible to make decisions without ever experiencing some degree of remorse?  On the other hand, many of us have experienced, at one time or another, a deep gratitude in the end, that our desires were left unfulfilled.

If we accept that good decisions cannot be judged exclusively by outcomes then let us further explore additional factors that affect our decision-making.  The following represent some of the more common factors that contribute significantly to poor decision-making:

Making premature decisions

Taking an inordinate amount of time to decide

Using flawed info/data

Making a decision based solely on emotion

Assuming short-term results are representative of long-term results

Attaching too much/too little importance to a decision

Inability/unwillingness to accept responsibility for decisions (a hidden big one!)

Delusional thinking

Ignoring the red flags

Ignoring patterns

Trying to use logic exclusively while ignoring our intuition/gut feeling

Expecting a guaranteed desired outcome

Expecting a desired outcome to guarantee satisfaction

Making decisions without the use of a proven sound process

How often have most of us engaged in the above behavior or allowed one or more of these factors to impact our decision-making? How often were we dissatisfied with the ultimate outcome? I think I can safely say that most of us have, at one time or another, been affected by this sort of decision-making and were frequently dissatisfied with the outcome.

How then can one improve the potential for satisfactory decision-making?

It begins by recognizing how we often make decisions based upon a flawed “outcome-only-process” and allowing negative factors to overly influence our decision-making.

Believe it or not, many renowned psychologists, philosophers, and others have presented highly reliable findings to support the fact most of us are born with a highly developed intuition and ability to make decisions that are oftentimes in our best interest but over time many people ignore the messages our body sends us and as a result this ability becomes stagnant and less effective.

Research and experience have convinced me that correct decision-making comes from a process that fully utilizes all of our senses.  For example, utilizing our mind to gather information and or to recognize patterns/habits that need changing, as well as using our intuition and physical body to help us navigate the who, what, when, where and why’s during our decision-making process. If we allow ourselves to use only one of our senses, then we most likely are not making a correct decision.  Unfortunately, what makes decision-making tricky, is oftentimes our mind is not in harmony with our intuition or gut feelings or physical responses the body uses to try to warn us of an impending poor decision.   When confronted with a decision, especially an important one, be mindful of the how you are making your decision, avoid the impediments to poor decision-making and take full advantage of all your senses.

Be aware that fears and negative self-talk can keep you from making correct decisions or cause you too much time in limbo. If talking out loud to a trusted friend helps you identify your blind spots, then utilize that to empower yourself.

Let’s take a general example within any relationship context: If I’ve experienced a habitual problem within a relationship (partner, spouse, friend, relative) in which I am unhappy/dissatisfied. And let’s say that I have tried everything to enhance my probability to make it better but cannot. I now need to make a decision to both remain and accept the relationship as is, or make the decision to leave. By the way, if our choice is to end our relationship with that person or group, it is inevitable that we will likely experience fear or insecurities around leaving. This is normal.  After all, we have invested time and energy in that relationship. It is natural to have fear or insecurities. However, just because our body fears this change, doesn’t mean making it is an incorrect decision.

A “right decision”, as I define it, is one in which you have no regrets regardless of the outcome because it was based upon the correct process for you.

Learn to develop and hone your ability to observe what your mind and body communicate to you regarding potential decisions…sometimes it can be immediate and for others it may take a while for you to fully appreciate the messages your body is trying to send to you.  This process will leave you with few regrets and significantly improve your satisfaction with your decisions.

What is My Experience?

What is My Experience?

In many of my writings I frequently address the value and importance of living authentically which I define as living a fulfilling and meaningful life that positively enhances our relationship with others and the world. Because our lives are made up of an endless series of experiences how we connect and relate to those experiences significantly affect our ability to live authentically.  For this writing, I define experience as personal involvement or exposure to a specific event or subject. 

My personal belief is that living authentically requires us to gain knowledge and ideally mastery of our lives through our life experiences. Note I state ideally mastery, but I believe it possible to live authentically without mastery provided we gain knowledge and wisdom from our experiences.  Knowledge is derived first from awareness and the realization of our experiences and then the commitment to use these experiences to enhance our ability to live a meaningful and fulfilled life.  Further, our ability to gain knowledge is significantly impeded if we lack proper awareness or improperly process/perceive our experiences.

Given the aforementioned definition of experience let’s explore three (3) primary and vastly different ways in which I believe people process their experiences and its potential impact on ones ability to live authentically.

First, there are those who are exposed to events/subjects and have little or no cognizance/awareness of the event afterwards.  They have little recollection of anything other than perhaps being there.  They fail to gain any discernible knowledge from the experience of the event/subject and as a result have little/nothing that can be applied to living a more fulfilling life.

Secondly, there are those that have a significantly unbalanced or distorted view of their experience as a result of an unrealistic (overly positive or negative) perspective of the event.  This distorted view creates a false knowledge in the mind of the individual that if not recognized and properly addressed leads to the further application of this distorted view.  Living a life based upon a distorted (unauthentic) view of our experiences carries significant negative consequences and is the greatest impediment to living a meaningful and fulfilling life. George Bernard Shaw is credited with the quote: “ Beware false knowledge, it is more dangerous than ignorance”. This is especially true of false knowledge derived from a distorted perception of ones experience (s).

Lastly, there are those who consider each and every experience as an opportunity to gain knowledge and mastery of events and subjects that can potentially and significantly enhance their ability to live an authentic lifestyle.  The only way to consistently acquire knowledge and ideally achieve mastery is to step fully into each experience rather than try to process it outside ourselves!  Rather than be oblivious to events or subjects or to distort the experience, ask yourself, “What is really happening to me?”  “Am I allowing myself to be overly influenced by external stimuli?” If you have had negative experiences, you can ask yourself: “Have I previously had such experiences, and if so, is there a discernible pattern?” If you have been overly positive to negative experiences, you can ask yourself: “ What or who am I not facing in this experience?” Finally, ask yourself, because of my extreme optimism to a negative experience, “am I dismissing a valuable key point that can lead me to a greater insight about the reality of the experience and myself?"

Do you truly wish to live a meaningful and fulfilling life?  If so, I challenge you ask yourself, what is my experience?

image ©Rojo, S.

To See or Not to See

                                                               

To See or Not to See

As we each embark on our journey to becoming more authentic, I believe one essential practice is to consistently engage in is what I refer to as seeing people for who they are. Why, you may ask, is this an important aspect to authenticity?  Simply put, not seeing others for who they really are prevents us from being truly authentic ourselves because, believe it or not, our relationship with that person is based upon something inauthentic and thus has the potential to compromise authenticity in our own lives.  Seeing others for who they really can also help us see ourselves more clearly by allowing us to recognize similar traits in ourselves.

Note, I refer to the “practice” of seeing people for who they are.  I say this because I feel we are constantly tested within each of our relationships and must learn to discern whom people truly are.  Seeing people for who they are sounds rather simplistic, when in fact it is much more challenging than what most people realize. Because a person who truly desires authenticity invests considerable time and effort in relationships they sometimes assume others are likewise investing a comparable amount of effort, which frequently is not the case.  Many of us see people through the lenses of our conditioning and as a result we have a tendency to see others as we would like them to be as opposed to who they truly are. This is especially true with friends and loved ones.  For example, how often have you totally ignored traits exhibited by someone close and then suddenly realized how oblivious you had been?  We all have and if we do not consistently practice trying to see others for who they really are we no doubt will continue to do so.  We must also be ever vigilant for those who are quite adept at concealing who they really are. Not all great actors are on the big or small screen. I am sure many of you, like myself, have been duped by someone pretending to be something completely different than what they truly were.

How then do we become proficient in seeing people for who they really are? I must inform you, there is no shortcut.  It takes consistent practice.  You cannot become authentic without being honest.  To be clear being honest does not mean being selfless.  It’s acceptable to sometimes be selfish but not dishonest.  Authenticity is not about perfection it’s about understanding and being real. For example, ask yourself, am I investing a lot of time with someone at the expense of other relationships but not getting my needs met? Or perhaps, am I truly seeing this person for who they really are or am I deluding myself?  Truly recognizing one for who they really are requires discernment not judgment.  The more we become rooted in our own authenticity the more easily it becomes to discern who others truly are. 

Finding the If

We live in a time where we are faced with a seemingly insurmountable number of challenges and it is quite easy for one to become overly pessimistic about one’s ability to accomplish things that are vitally important to us and that would contribute exponentially to a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Several years ago while reading, my husband happened upon a phrase that really resonated with him.  He shared it with me and it resonated with me as well and it has helped me measurably in my ability to accomplish more of the things that are really important to me, “think yes I could if, instead of no I can’t because”. I have since come to refer to this as “finding the if”.

I am not just speaking of wishful or positive thinking or about how to improve productivity but rather accepting what I have come to observe as a “natural law” of sorts, that understanding what you believe about yourself is often what happens to you.  I have heard it said many times and I have come to accept that “attitude is highly underrated”.  Over time, I have come to believe that I cannot do everything but I can do virtually anything and given this belief, I have discovered a way to improve my success in accomplishing the most important things in my life, by trying to find the if.

Years ago as I began to experiment with my newfound practice of finding the if, I reflected on how often in the past, and even now occasionally, I witness myself and others putting considerably more effort into justifying why we did not or could not accomplish something (no I can’t/could not because…) than we did trying to determine how we might accomplish it (finding the if).  How about you?  Have you ever noticed how much more inclined we are to readily provide a plethora of reasons, excuses, etc. for not doing something than we are to devote time to thinking of what actions/activities might improve our probability of success?

To better illustrate the principle of finding the “if”, I offer the follow examples:

"I really need to exercise but I cannot consistently motivate myself to do it alone, but if I could find a partner we could both motivate each other", "I am behind in my monthly bills and cannot work full time because we have a new child, but if I could work part time from home, I could possibly make enough money to catch up on our bills", "I really desire to live a more fulfilling and authentic life and I don’t know how but If I could find a good life coach, I could learn".  I’m sure many of you can think of a multitude of other examples where one could benefit tremendously from finding the “if”.

If you really desire to live a more fulfilling an authentic life, I want to encourage and inspire you to really consider what actions/activities are truly important to you that you have not been able to consistently accomplish and consider not just accepting the way things are, but to challenge them and consider the unlimited possibilities that exist in almost every circumstance if you think “yes, I could if.”

Begin with Why vs. How-To

Begin with Why vs. How-To 

My experience in working with a wide variety of individuals and businesses has been that far too many people today have become obsessed with their search for “how-to's”, especially as it applies to self-help. I think the title of the late Brian Klemmer’s former bestselling book “If How-To's Were Enough, We’d All Be Skinny, Rich, and Happy”, although humorous, provides a thought provoking way to consider the appropriate application of how-tos. 

Please don’t misunderstand me, I believe we all search for techniques, tips and tricks, or skills for “how-to” make lots of everyday tasks easier and more efficient and this is frequently a worthwhile endeavor. However, there are also many people who are discontent with their lives and are embarked on a never-ending quest to find that one how-to that will cure all of their problems, real or perceived, and make ALL right with the world. Our world is literally saturated with a plethora of self-help information on how to do virtually everything one can think of. This has influenced many people to read one how-to book after another and or they attend as many seminars on “how- to's” as possible in an attempt to achieve the promise of a more fulfilling life. 

Many people, in their “quest to be better”, appear to focus on finding or fixing something that is considered missing or broken often without knowing what it is and or why. Worse yet, they often want quick fixes and are frequently unwilling to put effort into truly understanding the root cause of their discontent. I have personally learned that applying how-to without the consistent application of the correct personal commitment that comes from a sound knowledge of what you should do and why, will frequently lead to less than desirable outcomes. If "how-to's" were enough, we could simply teach others how to do anything, everyone would be a good at it, and we would all experience eternal bliss.

I believe the most important consideration in determining our path to leading an authentic and fulfilling life is not necessarily what desires we have and goals we set (what we think we want) but what really motivates us towards those goals (what we really want and why) and the commitment to then pursue them. If you challenge my premise then why is it that so many people who pursue how to are still often discontent?

By placing more emphasis on what we want and why and then committing and honoring that commitment, we better equip ourselves to benefit from the appropriate how-to.

Thanks to Eudaimonia’s contributing editor Stan Miller

photo borrowed from Rebecca (Becky/Bex)